Trust and...

Anyone remember that old hymn, "Trust and Obey" junior church leaders made you sing to beat the concept into your head?

"When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word, what a glory He sheds on our way. While we do His good will, He abides with us still, and with all who will trust and obey-

"Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jeeeessssuuuuuuuussssss, but to trust and obey."

Cheesy melody aside, the words are pretty powerful. I never really thought much about the meaning. I sat in my pew, trying to flip my eyelids inside out, while wishing the pianist would pick up the tempo and finish the song (it was played so badly).

Obedience doesn't come easy for me. The more someone insists I DO something a CERTAIN way, the itch to do the exact opposite becomes unbearable!

God is seeking my obedience. What I think He's asking me to do is something I really don't want to do. Actually, there are several things He wants me to do.

But...

...they're too hard...

...take too much time...

...use too much gas...

...bring back old hurts...

...trigger panic attacks...

...require me to make a fool of myself and look even stupider than I do now...

...require resources me and my family DON'T have...

....may cause my wonderful hubby to drive a bus up his left nostril...

Why the heck do I want to obey God when it means more hardship? When it calls for what I don't think I have?

Luke 12:22-34 smacked me in the head last week, and hasn't left me alone. I can't get it out of my head. You know, it's that passage about us being worth more than the birds (unless you're a member of PETA and you think humans need to become extinct), and that the flowers of the fields who do nothing but sit in dirt and look pretty, make the best-dressed celebrities in the world look shabby...

Jesus makes the point that we aren't supposed to worry. Um, excuse me! Jesus, have you seen my life???

Verse 32 (I think - I have The Message and it doesn't break out every verse number) says, "Steep yoursef in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself."

Pretty much says if I'm obedient and surrender every molecule of my life to Jesus Christ, He'll take care of everything else. Dang, that's hard!

I'm sitting here wrestling with Him. I don't want to step out of my comfort zone. I have a new reading chair that's comfy! I don't want to drive almost an hour on a weekly basis to be part of a writer's group (it's not the ladies, it's the distance). I REALLY don't want to audition for worship team.

I know I'm supposed to join the writer's group. I'm still not clear about WT. God has to drop Mt. Everest on my head to get me to put myself through that hell again.

Argh.

Being a Christian sucks.

On this planet.

By obeying God, I'm building up treasure in Heaven. Treasure that can't be stolen, or eaten by bugs.

Ugh.

A problem with blogging is that people read what I write, then use it to nail me.

For example. I got a call the other day from my friend Suzie. The conversation went something like this:

Susie: Hey Darcie, I'm calling to ask what you're gonna do about that thing Ryan posted.

Me: Oh... Um.... OH! That thing.

Susie: Yeah. So are you going to the meeting about the auditions on the 20th?

Me: No. I'm not auditioning.

Susie: Is that you or God speaking?

Me: Huh?

Susie: Are you not going to the meeting or auditioning because of what happened last year, or did you pray about it to see what God wants you to do?

Me: I made up my mind a long time ago I won't audition. I don't agree with it, and I can't go through that kind of trauma again.

Susie: I read your blog a few minutes ago...

Me: (Silence. Sound of Crickets.)

Susie: Your BLOG. You need to listen to yourself sometime.

Me: Oh. Yeah. The GPS thing.

Susie: Your doing a DPS (Darcie Positioning System). I can tell. GPS, girl.

How humiliating. Getting caught being contrary to what I "preached." Susie's right. I didn't consult God at all about Worship Team. I'm assuming that because I didn't pass auditions last year, it's not His will for me to sing. Ever.

I know, I'm guilty of all-or-nothing thinking which is a cognitive distortion. My decision making process if fueled by raw emotion and the desire to avoid conflict. Sooo, now I have to recant my absolute statement of the past six months and pray about it. "GPS, girl."

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GPS for 2008

I didn't get a Garmin 0r any other GPS device under the tree in case you're wondering about the title. Geocaching, however, is something I'd like to try sometime... (Margie?)

GPS doesn't stand for "global positioning device" when I use it. I'm using these three letters to abbreviated God Positioning System. Alright, that's corny. But I love metaphor, I love analogies and word pictures. I guess that's why I'm a writer.

If you've been tracking with me over time, you'll notice I've been on a journey. A journey without a clear destination. I've been following a map I can't see. So, what's a Darcie to do? Draw her own lines, create her own routes and destinations. Be my own hero.

2007 started with an icy splash into the Boulder Resevoir. Horrified at the picture of me in a bathing suit, I pursued weight loss. I assumed that was my destination. I lost 20 pounds through Thin Within, and have lost at least another 10 or so from the depression. I'm pretty much where I want to be weight wise, but along the way, discovered that weight and food addiction were only part of my problems. More like symptoms of something bigger. Something more ominous.

February ignited one of the worse loss/grief cycles I've ever experienced. Actually, there was an inciting incident (worship team) and I was sucked into a vortex of despair as all my failures, shortcomings and weaknesses battered me in the debris layer.

Mom suggested I find freedom in Christ by starting Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study. My best friend, Stinky and I struggled through half of the study over the summer months. I expected my desire for freedom in Christ would relieve my turmoil. Ha!

Pick up on the common theme? I sought to figure out how to fix my life. I ping-ponged from one recommended solution to another. None of the studies or programs I tried are bad or wrong. They are Biblically sound and helped millions find freedom and healing.

You see, deep down in the darkest recesses of my heart, I worked hard to impress Jesus. "Lord, look what I'm doing to help you heal me." I was positioning myself on the map, hoping for easy, flat routes. If God wasn't gonna reveal the topography, I'd do it for Him.

Then I broke.

I can't do what I used to. I'm not even physically able to do normal everyday things. I get Kyle up, the animals fed, myself dressed, take my pharmacy of meds, then collapse in a chair until I go to bed 11 hours later. My fatigue is debilitating. My muscles are weak. My mind gets jumbled. And I can't do a darn thing about it!

I complain to the team of doctors monitoring my condition. "It takes time," they tell me. I don't want to wait. I don't want to rest. I want to get this illness thing over with and get on with life.

But what does that mean?

If I get my way, I probably won't use the GPS.

I'm starting to realized God, in his unfathomable wisdom, has taken me to a place where I CAN'T. He's tried it before, but I found the loopholes and found ways to function. No loopholes here. I'm mentally, physically and spiritually debilitated. In trials of the past, I at least had one of those facets in tact. Now they're all shattered.

So, for 2008, I hold my self-marked up map to Him. He hands me my GPS. I have no choice but to allow God to position me exactly where he needs me.