Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A Broken Heart

It will be a miracle if I can write this post coherently b/c the tears are blurring my vision to the point I'm relying on muscle memory to type...

Today I recieved the formal letter from the worship team regarding my audition. In short, I was cut from the team.

All week long I struggled with letting my desire fall into God's hands, but my nerves really got the best of me when the time came to sing for the panel. I can't blame the nerves for my failure. I know the panel was looking for more than just singing and apparantly I don't have whatever.

I'm trying to accept it. It still hurts though. I'm forced to let go of something I love, something I've done for a number or years. Something I wanted to continue doing.

Somehow, I have to try to beleive God has some sort of plan in all of this. I'm not going to quit choir or disappear as my reactionary emotional self is screaming to do. I'm going to find out why and try to improve from there. I must force myself to get through the pain of the rejection and use it as a catalyst to grow. Sounds pat and simple, but it hurts worse than a paper cut bathed in lemon juice.

Why won't the tears stop if I'm trying so hard to accept the decision and move on?

Right now my soul is engaged in a battle. On one side I have voices in my head telling me, "See, you're not good enough. That's what getting cut means - YOU STINK! You've failed at writing so far, you're now failing at singing. No one wants to pay you for your words, and worse yet, no one want to hear you sing for FREE!" Honestly I can't hear the other voice if one is even there. I'm forcing myself to turn a deaf ear to this one, however hard it is.

Pray for me as I try really hard not to fall into the pit of self pity and despair. That place only sinks me further and further. Pray that God will wipe away the doubts I'm having about my roles as a writer and vocalist. I need to hear his still small voice amidst the ruin of my heart. I need to know that He loves me despite this rejection and despite my lack of success in the writing world. I need to know it beyond my head and deep into my heart. Feel it.


Kristine said...

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Hang in there. Weren't you just telling me yesterday you had the opportunity to write and article for the colorgaurd state program where thousands would read it?

I know it's discouraging to see doors shut but there's an open one out there for you somewhere. Yes, I know it may seem like one of those pat answers, but it's true and it's always helpful to be reminded of it. I'm around, call anytime!

Anonymous said...


You're going to be OKAY. I know God has something for you that is going to nourish your heart. For now, pour yourself completely into your son. He'll never be this age again, and you don't want to miss a thing. Without worship team responsibilities, you will have more time to enjoy this precious Gift from God.

Speaking of which, I think you should write your story of your journey to becoming a mom. Then, submit to my friend at MOPS, Rachel Ryan. She can get it into the right hands to potentially get the story published in MOMSense. That would boost your self esteem a bit, don't you think? They're always looking for unique mom stories.

Love you. Call me anytime.


Anonymous said...

Go to a vocal coach and train your voice.

Joe said...

Remember this: The decision of the selection team was made by a group of humans. If the Lord was guiding their decisions then this is how it should be... for now. If not, then it was a decision made just by humans.

I personally wonder if it was the way to do things... to have the auditions and a selection committee, but I have to trust that it will work out. And if the Lord wants you to sing on the team then it will happen at the right time.

For now, enjoy not having to make it to all those practices and sacrificing hours of your weekends to be there. Soak in the joy that fills you when you worship. May this be a chance to be re-filled and refreshed.

Joe said...

Not sure what the second "anonymous" means by their comment.

I do agree with Susie... you have a great voice in your writing. Your small article in the local MOPS newsletter was great, and I think you could get published in MOMsense.

C.J. Darlington said...

You've failed at writing so far? Doesn't sound like the Darcie I know who's a skilled word scribe with big dreams ... one thing I'm learning--this writing journey takes a lot of time and patience. Period. And many will reach a tough point, like you, and give up. But the ones who succeed are the ones who keep on keeping on. If writing is a desire of your heart, it's not there for nothing. God puts those desires there for a purpose. It's up to us to trust that He knows exactly how to get us there.

Believe me, I know it's easier to say this than do it (ask me how I know!), but I hope you won't give up. You're too talented.