It will be a miracle if I can write this post coherently b/c the tears are blurring my vision to the point I'm relying on muscle memory to type...
Today I recieved the formal letter from the worship team regarding my audition. In short, I was cut from the team.
All week long I struggled with letting my desire fall into God's hands, but my nerves really got the best of me when the time came to sing for the panel. I can't blame the nerves for my failure. I know the panel was looking for more than just singing and apparantly I don't have whatever.
I'm trying to accept it. It still hurts though. I'm forced to let go of something I love, something I've done for a number or years. Something I wanted to continue doing.
Somehow, I have to try to beleive God has some sort of plan in all of this. I'm not going to quit choir or disappear as my reactionary emotional self is screaming to do. I'm going to find out why and try to improve from there. I must force myself to get through the pain of the rejection and use it as a catalyst to grow. Sounds pat and simple, but it hurts worse than a paper cut bathed in lemon juice.
Why won't the tears stop if I'm trying so hard to accept the decision and move on?
Right now my soul is engaged in a battle. On one side I have voices in my head telling me, "See, you're not good enough. That's what getting cut means - YOU STINK! You've failed at writing so far, you're now failing at singing. No one wants to pay you for your words, and worse yet, no one want to hear you sing for FREE!" Honestly I can't hear the other voice if one is even there. I'm forcing myself to turn a deaf ear to this one, however hard it is.
Pray for me as I try really hard not to fall into the pit of self pity and despair. That place only sinks me further and further. Pray that God will wipe away the doubts I'm having about my roles as a writer and vocalist. I need to hear his still small voice amidst the ruin of my heart. I need to know that He loves me despite this rejection and despite my lack of success in the writing world. I need to know it beyond my head and deep into my heart. Feel it.