Wednesday, January 02, 2008
GPS for 2008
I didn't get a Garmin 0r any other GPS device under the tree in case you're wondering about the title. Geocaching, however, is something I'd like to try sometime... (Margie?)
GPS doesn't stand for "global positioning device" when I use it. I'm using these three letters to abbreviated God Positioning System. Alright, that's corny. But I love metaphor, I love analogies and word pictures. I guess that's why I'm a writer.
If you've been tracking with me over time, you'll notice I've been on a journey. A journey without a clear destination. I've been following a map I can't see. So, what's a Darcie to do? Draw her own lines, create her own routes and destinations. Be my own hero.
2007 started with an icy splash into the Boulder Resevoir. Horrified at the picture of me in a bathing suit, I pursued weight loss. I assumed that was my destination. I lost 20 pounds through Thin Within, and have lost at least another 10 or so from the depression. I'm pretty much where I want to be weight wise, but along the way, discovered that weight and food addiction were only part of my problems. More like symptoms of something bigger. Something more ominous.
February ignited one of the worse loss/grief cycles I've ever experienced. Actually, there was an inciting incident (worship team) and I was sucked into a vortex of despair as all my failures, shortcomings and weaknesses battered me in the debris layer.
Mom suggested I find freedom in Christ by starting Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study. My best friend, Stinky and I struggled through half of the study over the summer months. I expected my desire for freedom in Christ would relieve my turmoil. Ha!
Pick up on the common theme? I sought to figure out how to fix my life. I ping-ponged from one recommended solution to another. None of the studies or programs I tried are bad or wrong. They are Biblically sound and helped millions find freedom and healing.
You see, deep down in the darkest recesses of my heart, I worked hard to impress Jesus. "Lord, look what I'm doing to help you heal me." I was positioning myself on the map, hoping for easy, flat routes. If God wasn't gonna reveal the topography, I'd do it for Him.
Then I broke.
I can't do what I used to. I'm not even physically able to do normal everyday things. I get Kyle up, the animals fed, myself dressed, take my pharmacy of meds, then collapse in a chair until I go to bed 11 hours later. My fatigue is debilitating. My muscles are weak. My mind gets jumbled. And I can't do a darn thing about it!
I complain to the team of doctors monitoring my condition. "It takes time," they tell me. I don't want to wait. I don't want to rest. I want to get this illness thing over with and get on with life.
But what does that mean?
If I get my way, I probably won't use the GPS.
I'm starting to realized God, in his unfathomable wisdom, has taken me to a place where I CAN'T. He's tried it before, but I found the loopholes and found ways to function. No loopholes here. I'm mentally, physically and spiritually debilitated. In trials of the past, I at least had one of those facets in tact. Now they're all shattered.
So, for 2008, I hold my self-marked up map to Him. He hands me my GPS. I have no choice but to allow God to position me exactly where he needs me.