Tuesday, June 12, 2007

You were never meant to go
through life by the skin of your teeth
but to flourish in the love
and acceptance of Almighty God.
- Beth Moore

God is after me. That's a good thing... I think. I mean, I already belong to Him. Gave my heart to Him when I was six. (My Sunday School teacher scared the Hell out of me - literally!)

You'd think after being a Christian for almost thirty years, I'd have it all figured out by now.


The older I get, the less I realize I understand.

Trusting God and finding satisfaction in Him were topics addressed in the Bible study Stinky and I are doing together.

Sink asked what my "storm" is at the moment. I could toss out finances as usual. However, my true storm rages inside me. Why? I'm not satisfied with God. Uh, let me re-say that.

I'm not satisfying my self with God.

For some sick and demented reason, I keep looking for tangible things to fill me up. In college, as I sat by watching my friends get married off while the guys made mooing noises in my general direction, I believed a man's love would fill me. "If only I were loved by a man who wanted to marry me..." I said while laying on a log across the Houghton Creek.

I've been married nine years, am the mom of the Cutest Baby in the World, have 3 cats, a dog, two tanks of fish, house, pretty flowers in the yard, friends and an evil-stepbird.

Some people even tell me I have talent! ;) I can write, sing, take darn good pictures and make people laugh.

But I feel icky inside. Often.

Poor John shleps into the door after a long day at the office and my claws pop out. He doesn't have a chance to duck before I take the first swipe.

"What's got into you?" He asks.

"I have nooooo idea." I cry.

God is after me. He wants me to learn to let Him fill me with His peace like a river - rapids and all. He wants me to learn about extending Grace to myself. Something I suck at. He wants to be Enough.

Yeah. Enough.

Next post will be funny. I can't keep ignoring the JOY in my litterbox.


relevantgirl said...

Your comment on my blog really, really blessed me today. Thanks for sharing your heart. It makes the heartache we endured make a little bit of sense.

restlessjourney said...

I am a rookie at blogs so hope you don't get this comment two thousand times!? I know God's hand led me to your blog today. I have been discouraged. Sometimes it feels so unChristian to be discouraged and confused. Thank you for speaking what's on your heart! I will pray for you when I think of you - especially your school loan situation. Thanks again for your open and honest thoughts!!