Thursday, February 22, 2007


So, yesterday I found out I was cut from worship team. It hurts, but I'm beginning to feel at peace with the whole thing. I'm doing too much right now outside the home and probably need the break.

Peace is not something I experience very often. I know I'm not creating some false emotion. The peace is real.

I actually look forward to see what God will do with this.

On another note, I was going to post the "Big Boy Bath" photos I took the other night when Kyle sat in the tub by himself and played in the water. I have a new computer (a Mac), and haven't figured out how to upload the pictures. I need to see if I need to change the settings for Blogger, b/c most of the task-bar buttons at the top of this "create" screen are not there.

Stay tuned for Kyle pics once I figure out the system.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A Broken Heart

It will be a miracle if I can write this post coherently b/c the tears are blurring my vision to the point I'm relying on muscle memory to type...

Today I recieved the formal letter from the worship team regarding my audition. In short, I was cut from the team.

All week long I struggled with letting my desire fall into God's hands, but my nerves really got the best of me when the time came to sing for the panel. I can't blame the nerves for my failure. I know the panel was looking for more than just singing and apparantly I don't have whatever.

I'm trying to accept it. It still hurts though. I'm forced to let go of something I love, something I've done for a number or years. Something I wanted to continue doing.

Somehow, I have to try to beleive God has some sort of plan in all of this. I'm not going to quit choir or disappear as my reactionary emotional self is screaming to do. I'm going to find out why and try to improve from there. I must force myself to get through the pain of the rejection and use it as a catalyst to grow. Sounds pat and simple, but it hurts worse than a paper cut bathed in lemon juice.

Why won't the tears stop if I'm trying so hard to accept the decision and move on?

Right now my soul is engaged in a battle. On one side I have voices in my head telling me, "See, you're not good enough. That's what getting cut means - YOU STINK! You've failed at writing so far, you're now failing at singing. No one wants to pay you for your words, and worse yet, no one want to hear you sing for FREE!" Honestly I can't hear the other voice if one is even there. I'm forcing myself to turn a deaf ear to this one, however hard it is.

Pray for me as I try really hard not to fall into the pit of self pity and despair. That place only sinks me further and further. Pray that God will wipe away the doubts I'm having about my roles as a writer and vocalist. I need to hear his still small voice amidst the ruin of my heart. I need to know that He loves me despite this rejection and despite my lack of success in the writing world. I need to know it beyond my head and deep into my heart. Feel it.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Let go and be Free

Many of you who are close to me know how freaked out, BEYOND freaked out I've been over this weekend's worship team auditions.

I'm not freaked out anymore.

Yesterday, God taught me a hard but sweet lesson. How to let go.

In order to prepare, I met with one of team leaders, Charlotte. She was very honest about my strengths and weaknesses, vocally. Imagine my shock when I figured my strengths and weaknesses backwards! All along, I've been focusing on the wrong thing.

My weakness is this: striving too hard. So hard it binds my voice, and when I sing harmony, I tend to go flat. The harder I try to correct, the farther off I go. I sing in fear of making a mistake, which only begats nothing but mistakes!!!

I thought my weakness was how my voice sounds alone in a solo.

Worship team on a technical level, is all about being able to blend and sing complicated and somtimes unwritten harmony lines laser-like presicion.

Charlotte also challenged me with this: Would my life screech to a halt if I didn't make the team? A few days ago, I would have said, "yes". I LOVE being on worship team. It's something I have a passion for. Love singing mic'ed with other people and leading large groups in worship. I feel like I was made to do it. None of that has really changed, but my heart has.

Charlotte went through the audtion pieces with me and I struggled. I strived so hard. I sang flat and didn't quite make some of those 1/2 step to whole step jumps. The possibility of being cut loomed large over my head. Suddenly I had to make a choice - fret, worry, cry, or just let it go. Whose will is at work here? Mine or God's? Well worry, fear and over-trying are not of God. Peace and freedom is of God.

A few weeks back, I was complaining about the audition to my mom. I told her I feared making terrible mistakes. She told me I was creating my own tethers - binding myself up in such a way it hurt my vocal quality.

"Darcie, you sang better before you were exposed to all this technique stuff. You used to sing to communicate. Now you sing to do it the correct way."

Yikes. Ouch.

Yesterday I finally understood what everyone was saying. After I left Charlotte's house, I tearfully told God my worship team future/fate was in his hands. I also asked him to help me be at peace with the audition. You see, I was trying to be a successful vocalist in MY OWN STRENGTH and limited know-how.

Today, I sat on the floor with Kyle and sang to him. I pretended my harmony parts were melody (Charlotte said solos are my strength and I need to sing my parts like I do solos while blending of course). Having let the emotional stuff go, the notes, the parts poured from my mouth without effort! I wasn't flat. The words of the songs sunk in. The fear was gone, my voice was free! It's never really been free.

(Ryan, if you're reading this, I'm not going to toss out technique, I'm going to quit striving in my own strength and seek wise counsel...)

One of the audition songs is for me personally. God planned it that way.

"Here in Your Presence" by Jon Egan

Found in your hands, fullness of joy;
Every fear, suddenly wiped away,
Here in your presence;
All of my gains now fade away,
Every crown no longer on display,
Here in you presence.
Heaven is trembling in awe of your wonders;
The kings and the kingdoms are standing amazed.

Here in your presence, we are undone;
Here in your presence, heaven and earth become one;
Here in your presence, all things are new,
Here in your presence everything bows before you...

Thursday, February 08, 2007

If God's in Controll, Why is My Life Like This?

An F5 tornado + a 5000 piece puzzle = ONE BIG MESS!

Oh, and the tornado is stuck - spinning, spinning it's destructive winds through my home and heart.

All when I've begun a journey of emotional/spiritual healing.

The teaching director for Community Bible Study on Monday night gave me some insight on how Satan works in the lives of believers; "Satan can't refute the message, so he incapacitates the messanger."

That is truley true. Our faith is firm. But, throw illness, pain, financial pressure, depression, family conflicts, etc... into our lives, and it's all we can do to make it from opening our eyes in the morning to crawling into bed at night without being committed to the psych ward. If we feel horrible, are tired and sick, how can we serve? We can't. We don't.

About a month ago, my sister-in-law called from Texas telling us she was on her way. Not to visit, but to move in. She has extreme mental illness issues. I can't really share much more beyond that about her b/c the internet is so public, but this has been a very difficult transition for me. John is used to it. She's lived with him in the past.

As the days drag on, I feel more and more hopeless. I feel alone. My needs and concerns are tossed aside under the umbrella of not being understanding or even being selfish. Is wanting MY bathroom to myself too much to ask? Is asking her to use the one downstairs cruel?

This situation has me tied up in knots. It's not helping me in my journey toward health and healing, and it's certainly not helping my attitude. I try really hard to be kind, but sometimes I want to scream. Our house is very small. My privacy is gone.

Is Satan using this to further squelch my creativity in writing? To make me too tired, too sick, too sore from chronic muscle pain that I can't serve Him? Is God really in contoll? Does He notice what's going on here? Not only do I have to care for a baby, buy now I have to care for a person with needs beyond my understanding. Frankly I'm scared.

God, are you there?? Hellooooo! You seem to answer other people's prayers and provide for their needs (like in choir last night, a man who has 3 hours of commuting to and from work each day prayed for a 4WD truck w/ a CD player and he got it!!)

I have to believe God is in control, even though my life doesn't look like He is. I have to trust He'll provide sister-in-law a full time job. She is very functional (I did research on her illnesses and an thankful she's so functional!). I have to trust he'll provide the money we need to feed and care for another adult. I have to trust he'll provide the money to pay off the collection agency the remaining 1K of the elbow injury of last year, and that He'll provide the money we need to go on a mission trip to Latvia this summer that He's calling us to go on despite all of this!

I don't know about you, but this faith thing is so hard. I want to curl into a ball in the middle of my doggy smelling living room carpet and throw a "NOT FAIR" tantrum.

Funny that we're studying 2nd Corinthians in Community Bible Study. The theme of that book is: We can go to the father of mercies and the God of all Comfort.

Maybe I need to stop typing and get on my knees.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Hellloooooo...anybody out there...?

No comments in forever, a day and a half - anyone still with me, or have you all bailed? :(