Many of you who are close to me know how freaked out, BEYOND freaked out I've been over this weekend's worship team auditions.
I'm not freaked out anymore.
Yesterday, God taught me a hard but sweet lesson. How to let go.
In order to prepare, I met with one of team leaders, Charlotte. She was very honest about my strengths and weaknesses, vocally. Imagine my shock when I figured my strengths and weaknesses backwards! All along, I've been focusing on the wrong thing.
My weakness is this: striving too hard. So hard it binds my voice, and when I sing harmony, I tend to go flat. The harder I try to correct, the farther off I go. I sing in fear of making a mistake, which only begats nothing but mistakes!!!
I thought my weakness was how my voice sounds alone in a solo.
Worship team on a technical level, is all about being able to blend and sing complicated and somtimes unwritten harmony lines laser-like presicion.
Charlotte also challenged me with this: Would my life screech to a halt if I didn't make the team? A few days ago, I would have said, "yes". I LOVE being on worship team. It's something I have a passion for. Love singing mic'ed with other people and leading large groups in worship. I feel like I was made to do it. None of that has really changed, but my heart has.
Charlotte went through the audtion pieces with me and I struggled. I strived so hard. I sang flat and didn't quite make some of those 1/2 step to whole step jumps. The possibility of being cut loomed large over my head. Suddenly I had to make a choice - fret, worry, cry, or just let it go. Whose will is at work here? Mine or God's? Well worry, fear and over-trying are not of God. Peace and freedom is of God.
A few weeks back, I was complaining about the audition to my mom. I told her I feared making terrible mistakes. She told me I was creating my own tethers - binding myself up in such a way it hurt my vocal quality.
"Darcie, you sang better before you were exposed to all this technique stuff. You used to sing to communicate. Now you sing to do it the correct way."
Yesterday I finally understood what everyone was saying. After I left Charlotte's house, I tearfully told God my worship team future/fate was in his hands. I also asked him to help me be at peace with the audition. You see, I was trying to be a successful vocalist in MY OWN STRENGTH and limited know-how.
Today, I sat on the floor with Kyle and sang to him. I pretended my harmony parts were melody (Charlotte said solos are my strength and I need to sing my parts like I do solos while blending of course). Having let the emotional stuff go, the notes, the parts poured from my mouth without effort! I wasn't flat. The words of the songs sunk in. The fear was gone, my voice was free! It's never really been free.
(Ryan, if you're reading this, I'm not going to toss out technique, I'm going to quit striving in my own strength and seek wise counsel...)
One of the audition songs is for me personally. God planned it that way.
"Here in Your Presence" by Jon Egan
Found in your hands, fullness of joy;
Every fear, suddenly wiped away,
Here in your presence;
All of my gains now fade away,
Every crown no longer on display,
Here in you presence.
Heaven is trembling in awe of your wonders;
The kings and the kingdoms are standing amazed.
Here in your presence, we are undone;
Here in your presence, heaven and earth become one;
Here in your presence, all things are new,
Here in your presence everything bows before you...