It hurts, like someone poured lighter fluid all over my heart and used a blow-torch for ignition.
But, I'm not broken.
Worship team is not the context in which God wants to use my voice. He's providing me with world-class lessons (I'm not exaggerating) for FREE. A pro who sees potential in me, I don't even see.
Writer. Speaker. Singer. God wouldn't make me good at these things if He didn't want me to use them. It's just that I'm finding out His plan is so different from mine. On a deep level, I'm okay with His wisdom. I'm still sick. Worship leaders need to be well and stable. I'm not well and stable. I'm a mess.
Oh, I said that yesterday. Bear with me as I work to embrace my messiness. Jesus loves me the way I am, I need to do likewise.
Before I called Ryan, I spent an hour at least in prayer and meditation on God's Word. My depression makes downers harder to take. I didn't break in my convo with Ryan. It actually went well. I met my goal. The door isn't closed on me, it's just the timing.
I have talent, but I'm wounded. I need to heal. Shut out the lying voice of Satan, and strive to reach the potential God planted in me. Fear has been my master for as long as I can remember. Proving I'm worth something, goes waaaaay back to childhood. The temptation to Show Them is more than I can bear right now, so I'm begging God for a lift of some kind. I need good news, encouragement, a contract? An agent to call me and say, "I've read your Litterbox and Titletrakk reviews. Dang, girl, you can write!!! Got a novel in the works?"
I'd say, "Oh yes I do. I'm rewriting it due to a change in character relationship..."
"I'd like to represent you and help you get published."
Okay, maybe I'm sliding into fantasy land like a mountain climber whose crampons have balled up with ice on an exposed extreme slope.
But can't God do something like that?
Would He be God if He couldn't?
Doesn't mean He will. He can choose for Himself what to do with the shattered pieces of what used to be Darcie.
I think that's harder than the rejection and depression.