Friday, April 28, 2006
GQ models beware!
Have you ever seen anything so cute in all your life? (Ignore the troll holding him in the b-day hat picture.)
Mom, you asked for more recent photos of Kyle so you can see how he's changed... here you go! The little muffin man is now six weeks old and more alert than ever. I can't even begin to tell you all how popular this child is. He was invited to a birthday party several days after he was born, and the party was last Saturday. He asked me if he could wear a party hat. Doesn't he look like the Roaming Gnome sans beard? (The Roaming Gnome is the mascot for Travelocity.)
Being a parent not only forces you to become responsible for a little creature, it also forces you to take a deep look at yourself. Recently I've been overwhelmed by my sense of inadiquicy of being a parent. I'm also struggling with no feeling worthy of receiving such a precious gift.
The flawed belief system I hold to in regards to how I evaluate myself. It's easy to ignore such things when you aren't put in a position of responsibility and influence. Parental behaviors, good and bad, can be replicated in children. I don't want Kyle to grow up with a negative self perception or a negative outlook on life.
I'm a pessimist. Don't ask me how I came to be one, but I don't recall ever being anything but. Most people blame their parents. I can't. Honestly, I have two of the greatest parents a child could ever have been given. No matter how wonderful the home and the love, wounds happen.
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. Talk about defeating one's self before starting the journey! I want Kyle to grow up healthy and whole. But, the world is a fallen place, and he will be hurt. He's a boy. Our society has devalued men and boys. I can't shield him. I can only teach him healthy coping skills to deal with hurts...
I, yes, ME, MYSELF and I must have a toolbox full of healthy skills that I USE. Sure, I know alot about child development and psychology and education - I have several degrees in those areas along with a Masters. But I am not good at applying the knowledge in my head to my own life, and now as a parent, my failure to seek the truth in regards to how God sees me is flying into my face.
I am a child of the KING. I am a CHILD of the KING! I AM A CHILD OF THE KING!!! Not the King of Zimbabwe, but THE KING - the one who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. God. He created me in HIS image. The world has told me otherwise. I chose to believe the world starting from the time I was a kid and boy has that ever caused me years of needless pain. Why do we humans choose to believe lies about ourselves? Lies from the pit of Hell itself?
I think it's because we lack faith. I can't see God. I've never really SEEN Him. Oh sure, evidence of Him is all around, but I can't tell you that he has black curly hair, orange skin and purple eyes. We, fallen beings tend to internalize information from sources we can see, and then we add up the circumstances that happen to support the lies.
I know the truth. I've studied the Bible all my life. I know what's in there. I still study the Bible on a very intense level through Community Bible Study, but I too often fail to APPLY and live out the Truth.
I'm on a journey now. I need to be healthy and whole, so I can train my son to be healthy and whole in a world that seeks to destroy him. Pray for both John and I and for Kyle. Retraining my thinking won't happen over night, and Satan will for sure try to divert my progress.